Notes to My Ideal Client

Just as you are unique, so is every counselor. Here are some thoughts about my approach to the counseling process that create the best environment for positive change.

Developing trust is essential.

Most people trust counselors somewhat implicitly because they have degrees, letters behind their names, licenses, certifications, etc. But that only gets so far.

Once the process starts and the initial telling of stories has transpired, clients will begin the inevitable human journey of deciding how deeply they trust their most hidden thoughts and feelings with this person they call their therapist.

Here’s a true story.

About 30 years ago, a researcher spoke to thousands of counselors gathered at the annual American Counseling Association convention. The gist of his message focused on what we know after about 100 years of counseling as a profession.

For the first 50 years, there were tons of new approaches being developed, but very little research on the relative effectiveness of different modalities.

For the next 50 years, there has been tons of research concerning the effectiveness of different approaches. His conclusion – after 50 years of research, we can say one thing and only one thing with confidence. “When you’re hurting, it helps to talk to someone you trust.”

Now every therapist, including myself, will argue that their approach is more effective than others, but the point of this story should not be lost. And the question, “What creates the best context of deep trust between the client and the therapist?” is an important one.

My experience is this –

Clients grow to trust their therapist deeply through a very natural process, the same as they would anyone else.

Is the therapist transparent about the mechanism of change he or she espouses, foregoing the magic, mystery, and authority that many “healers” rely on to attract followers?

Is the therapist, while being kind and supportive, also courageously honest with feedback, willing to risk not being liked for the sake of the client’s growth?

Is the therapist, albeit cautiously and judiciously, ready to be self-disclosing about his or her personal life when it might be useful to the client to do so?

In short, people have built-in “bullshit meters,” and authenticity is the royal road to developing deep trust in any relationship, including the therapeutic one.

Here are some universal principles.

While every one of us is unique, universal truths comprise the bedrock of positive change. When a client chooses to work with me, they should know what I believe. Below are some of the more important ones.

While we can’t stop every negative thing from happening to us, it is helpful to assume 100% responsibility for our response to every circumstance in which we find ourselves.

It’s better to accept certain “givens of existence” (i.e., life is not always fair) than to unconsciously rage against what we don’t have control over.

Despite our uniqueness, we all have common human longings for being loved, accepted, appreciated, receiving affection and respect. We all want to learn to give those things to others in meaningful ways.

All of us operate based on a mix of conscious and unconscious beliefs, some of them unexamined, and part of the process of therapy is identifying these beliefs and being willing to evaluate them for their truthfulness or usefulness.

This list could go on extensively, but these should suffice to give you a taste of the kinds of fundamental issues you will encounter in an effective therapy course.

Therapy is a creative process.

Here is more about your uniqueness as a client, me as a therapist, and the unrepeatable experience of your life and experience in counseling.

If you have read this far, I’m hoping you will indulge me in a rather lengthy quote from Dr. Irvin Yalom (head of the Psychiatry department at Stanford University for 40+ years).

“….I believe the present crisis in psychotherapy is so serious and therapist spontaneity so endangered that a radical corrective is demanded. We need to go even further: the therapist must strive to create a new therapy for each patient.

“Therapists must convey to the patient that their paramount task is to build a relationship together that will itself become the agent of change. It is extremely difficult to teach this skill in a crash course using a protocol. Above all, the therapist must be prepared to go wherever the patient goes, do all that is necessary to continue building trust and safety in the relationship. I try to tailor the therapy for each patient, to find the best way to work, and I consider the process of shaping the therapy not the groundwork or prelude but the essence of the work.”

—The Gift of Therapy (pp 34-35)

Yalom’s words embody something I deeply embrace as a therapist. There is a profound paradox here: While my approach to counseling is not a mystery (I believe in full transparency about what I think facilitates growth), every individual is a mystery, never fully explainable – always inexhaustible in their uniqueness and complexity, and endowed with the potential to grow, evolve, and change throughout their entire life.

This willingness requires me as a therapist to forever grow, evolve, and change over the course of my life and any client’s therapy. I thoroughly embrace the challenges and joys of doing so for the sake of my clients.

If what you have read here resonates deeply with you, I’d love for you to reach out today and schedule an initial appointment.